Session Overview
Traditional parenting approaches focus on managing or eliminating difficult emotions. Emotion coaching does something radically different: it uses emotional moments as opportunities for connection, teaching, and growth. For highly sensitive children, this approach is not just helpful, it is transformative.
"Emotion coaching is about helping children learn that all emotions are acceptable, what matters is how we act on them. It builds emotional intelligence and creates a deeper, more trusting relationship between parent and child."Professor John Gottman, The Gottman Institute
The 5 Steps of Emotion Coaching
Research by Dr. Gottman shows that children whose parents use emotion coaching have higher emotional intelligence, perform better academically, have stronger friendships, show fewer behavioral problems, and are more resilient.
1
Tune In
First, notice what is happening, inside your child AND inside yourself. Are you calm enough to be present? If not, take a moment. Say: "I can see you're feeling something big right now." Your awareness comes before everything else.
2
Connect & Name the Emotion
Reflect back what you see without judgment: "It looks like you're feeling really frustrated." Naming the emotion helps the brain regulate, putting a name to a feeling literally calms the amygdala. Researchers call this "Name it to tame it."
3
Empathize
Put yourself in your child's experience. "I remember feeling like that. It's a really hard feeling." You don't have to agree with their behavior to empathize with their emotion. Empathy comes before everything else.
4
Reflect & Understand Together
Once things are calmer: "What happened? What were you feeling? What set it off?" This builds self-awareness and helps your child make sense of their experience rather than just reacting to it.
5
Problem-Solve Together
Now, and only now, you work on solutions. "What do you think would help next time? What could we do differently?" Involve your child in finding answers. This builds agency, confidence, and emotional skill.
What to Say Instead
| ❌ Dismissing Response | ✅ Emotion Coaching Response |
|---|---|
| "Stop crying. It's not a big deal." | "I can see this is really upsetting. I'm right here with you." |
| "You're overreacting again." | "Your feelings make sense. Let's figure out what you need." |
| "Go to your room until you calm down." | "Let's find a quiet spot together until you feel better." |
| "Why can't you just be normal?" | "Your brain works differently, and that's actually a gift." |
| Lecturing during a meltdown | Wait until calm, then explore what happened, together. |
| Solving the problem immediately | Empathize first. Always. The solution comes last. |
Holding Space vs. Fixing
🌊 The Most Important Distinction in This Program
Highly sensitive children do not need to be fixed. They need to be heldin understanding, in compassion, in calm presence.
Holding space means: being fully present with your child's experience without trying to change it, minimize it, or rush through it. It is one of the most powerful things a parent can offer.
The ACHIEVE Principles for Working With Your Child
A
Accept
Meet your child exactly where they are, not where you wish they were.
C
Child-Centered
Let your child's needs lead the moment, not your agenda.
H
Hold Space
Be present without trying to fix or change their experience.
I
Integrate
Give time and space for experiences to settle before moving on.
E
Educate
Understand sensitivity deeply, it shapes how you respond.
V
Validate
Acknowledge your child's experience as real and legitimate.
E
Empower
Help your child discover their own capacity and strengths.
Coaching Reflection Questions
- Which of the 5 emotion coaching steps feels most natural to you? Which is hardest?
- When your child is flooded with emotion, what is your instinctive response? Where did you learn that response?
- Think of one situation this week where you could have used emotion coaching. How might it have gone differently?
Home Practice This Week
- This week, practice Steps 1 and 2 only: Tune In, then Name the Emotion. Nothing else. Just notice and name.
- When your child is upset, try: "I can see you're having a really big feeling. I'm right here with you."
- Notice: What happens when you validate instead of fix?